Eventually I did realize that he really did want to see me happy, but I still kept holding on. So I would pretend as much as possible that my life was perfect and nothing was wrong. I thought it worked, but it probably didn't.
The last time I saw him, he told me the same thing. That I needed to be happy. Then he hugged me. I halfheartedly told him I would. I didn't know that would be the very last time I saw him, the last time I talked to him.
The day he died I was still holding onto that hope, and a part of me died too. I felt like the world was crumbling around me and there was no point in going on.
That was exactly one year and one month ago.
For the past year I've been walking around with a fake smile, telling the world I was ok, but waking up in tears with dreams about him at night. I didn't care about keeping my promise.
But today....today I woke up with a smile inside. Today I went outside and the sky was smiling back. Today I closed my eyes and I said it...I said it and I meant it. Today I said, finally Corey, I am happy. Thank you.
This past year has been one of obstacles and trials. Its been one of tears and pain. But sitting here today and looking back, its also been one of beauty...of new life and new beginnings. It's been a time for turning the page, starting again...and today I sit here...sick with bronchitis, taking care of my sick baby with bronchitis, cleaning the mess I've ignored for the past week, and awaiting the return of the person that I fell more in love with than I ever thought possible...and I'm smiling...because even though were stressed...even though money is tight, the baby is fussy, were all sick, and the house is a mess. We have each other. Were a family...a little twisted to the outside world, but to me, were perfect.
My life is beautiful. Today my daughter crawled on both knees...which was a great feat. She was supposed to start physical therapy Monday, they thought her leg muscles weren't developing correctly, and today she proved that she just might not need that. Today she learned to tell me where her nose was, she learned three new words, and she can point out 2 of the letters in the alphabet.
Today I awoke next to my best friend, and I smiled as he slept soundly beside me. I've awoke to see him beside me every day for months, and I never appreciated the simple beauty of it. This morning I realized just how wonderful that small moment is. This morning I realized, this man is the last person I see before I close my eyes, and the first one I see when I open them...and it makes me feel so wonderful, so special, so loved, that its me he chooses to spend his days with.
This morning I realized that almost a year ago, he could have been like most people and ignored me, instead he became my best friend. I realized almost 8 months ago, when I called him at 10 at night 15 miles out of town alone in a blizzard in a ditch, he could have said no...but he didn't. Looking back now, I realize that was the night I started living again...the pieces of me that died last year were brought back to life with the look in his eyes. The day I showed up at his door with my 6 month old wrapped in a snowsuit and blankets when a freak snowstorm randomly appeared, he could have closed the door. Instead he went out and fought to bring my car up the driveway because of the ice, he got us warm and even bought formula for a baby he just met because I didnt expect snow and didnt bring any and I was broke. All the times when I didnt have the money for gas to get home he didnt have to let me stay. He didnt have to move in with me, or let me use his car when mine broke down. He didnt have to travel 8 hours to pick up my mom and come home in June...he didnt have to stay awake until 6am and then go to work that day. Or do the same thing to take her home. He doesnt have to help me or my daughter at all. He never had to take on my daughter like she was his own.
But he did...my best friend, the man I love more than life itself, is a man like no other. He has done what many men wouldn't. And he does it because he loves us.
So today, I smiled, because today I realized what a truly blessed life I live. What truly wonderful people are in it. And today I was finally able to look up, close my eyes, and tell Corey...I fulfilled my promise, I really am happy, I love you, goodbye.
And I could finally say goodbye with a smile, because I know hes smiling too. Hes always going to be there, a guardian angel never leaves, hes going to be with all of us...always.
So today is the beginning...my new story, the day my eyes opened and I really saw the world for what it was, and not for what I wanted to see.
I love my life.
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