Wednesday, October 20, 2010

You...

I probably wouldn't be this way
I probably wouldn't hurt so bad
I never pictured every minute without you in it
Oh You left so fast
Sometimes I see you standing there
Sometimes it's like I'm losing touch
Sometimes I feel that I'm so lucky to have had the chance to love this much
God gave me a moment's grace
'Cause if I'd never seen your face
I probably wouldn't be this way


Last night I lay down to sleep and turned on a playlist I've tried so hard to forget about. As the music filled my ears, the memories flooded my brain and I was lost in a life I couldn't forget if I wanted too.

Little by little I began to notice differences...it wasnt long before I felt the hot prickling of teardrops beginning to form.

I still remember every day, ever conversation, every memory etched so deep into my brain and into my heart. But the details were gone. The littlest things that made it so easy to get lost in a dream, lost in us, no matter how much I tried to remember, they were gone...and I felt a piece of myself break.

It took me a year to say goodbye, it takes so much more to let go...much more than I have to give. Those details kept you alive, kept you with me. The scent of your cologne, the way your hands felt in mine, the look in your eyes whenever you thought I wasnt looking...everything that kept you with me.

And last night I had to face the realization that you really are gone. No more closing my eyes and pretending.

No amount of tears, wishes, or prayers will bring you back to me. 

Sometimes I want to go back in time. If I knew that the last time I hugged you would really be my last, maybe...maybe I would have held on tighter...told you everything I wanted too. But I didnt, I couldnt, and apparently no one has yet discovered how to turn back time...

Cystic Fibrosis sucks, losing you sucks, living life without you sucks. I still love you. Every day you still cross my mind. And I still miss you more than humanly possible.

Forever...thats what you said....people say forever is never ending....they lie...

Monday, October 11, 2010

Once upon a time...

I was an idiot yesterday, plain and simple.

I went looking at houses, spoke to an agent about a house that I had seen, was given the price, and I knew I couldn't afford it....EVER.

I should have walked away and said forget it...right? That's what a smart person does...but either I was just being stupid or I am a true masochist. I let her convince me into walking through the house.

I stepped foot into this house and I fell in love.


Yes I understand that everyone looking at this house now realizes I am truly insane for even believing that there was a slight possibility I would EVER be able to afford this house. This isn't the house I walked through but its the exact same model by the exact same builder. Its called the Oxford Model.

Anyway, she walked me in through the garage...typical two car garage, into a typical laundry room. I figured like every other house I had seen, I would find faults.

Then I stepped into the kitchen.

Anyone who knows me knows there are only 6 things I care about in the entire house. The exterior, the master bathroom, whether or not it has a fireplace (it MUST have a fireplace), closet space, whether or not it has a breakfast nook (preferred), and the kitchen (must be OMG huge...)

I walked into a kitchen the size of my living room and kitchen combined. With cherry cabinets and cherry flooring, granite counter tops, stainless steel appliances, a kitchen island, tons of cabinets, and ample lighting...

I own a baking business...this kitchen was the kitchen of my dreams...I literally had tears in my eyes.

Open to the kitchen was the family living room and....A BREAKFAST NOOK. A breakfast nook that faced the east, with HUGE bay windows. And seeing as the place was a model it was furnished. It had a white table and white chairs and flowers ALL OVER...it was just a tiny step below the kitchen. The living room had A FIREPLACE...with a big white mantle, and a cherry wood fan.

I was already in love when she took me into a dining room...it had a dining room...a GIGANTIC dining room...a dining room that I could invite all our friends and family over for Sunday after church dinners and holidays. And it was this pretty yellow shade with white trim...

The dining room was open with the formal sitting room...which had two huge bay windows, and was the perfect cozy size for the days when you just want to curl up in a huge fluffy chair and read.

Then we walked into the front of the house with the foyer...thats it, I was sold. The foyer was open to the second floor and had a HUGE window at the top with the chandelier hanging down. On the right side of the foyer was an office that was the PERFECT size to run my business, and the little hall that led to the kitchen. The hall had a nice sized coat closet and a powder room.

The flooring in the foyer was oak and the staircase was a beautiful oak color as well. At the top of the stairs you walked straight into the master bedroom...the walk in closet was the size of my bedroom now I swear. The bedroom itself had vaulted ceilings. The bathroom had a jacuzzi tub, it was a beautiful spring green shade with European tile. On the left of the master bedroom was the smallest room...the nursery. These people had to know I was coming...it was perfect for Chloe. The exact room I wanted to design for her. Down the hall were two other bedrooms and a third bathroom which was also very large.

The basement was completely finished...its the size of my apartment...it even had a bathroom and a second office as well as a storage room.

There was not a single flaw in that house...of course I fall in love with a house Ill never be able to get.

Im not very materialistic. I can live the simple life and I can be happy doing so...but my house...that's probably one of my biggest dreams and I just found the house of my dreams. The most amazing, fantastic, perfect house...it was made for me.

The final price of said house....295,500.....Like I said, never in a million years sadly....

One day Ill get my house, the one that fits my dreams, and Ill be able to afford it.....

Seriously...I'm really starting to believe I am a masochist....

Wednesday, September 22, 2010

Im HORRIBLE at this....

Day 5 — Your dreams
Day 6 — A stranger
Day 7 — Your Ex-boyfriend/girlfriend/love/crush
 
DAY 5 - YOUR DREAMS

Wow...my dreams...where do I start? Well, I dream of having a house to call my own one day. A big yellow house, with big windows and blue shutters, a front yard with the walkway going right up the middle and flowers planted on both sides. And pretty flower bushes on both sides of the house. A big back yard with a swing set for the kids, and a willow tree, a big on, with a bench swing hanging from it, right beside a little creek. And a white picket fence surrounding the whole thing. A kitchen with windows facing the west so I can watch the sunset, with windowsill's where I can cool yummy homemade cakes and pies. Where I can spend all the time in the world baking and cooking. A big breakfast nook facing the east, where we can eat breakfast as the sun rises. It can't be just a house either, it has to be a home...there's a big difference between a house and a home...which brings me to my next dream. A family. Families are what make a house a home. A husband to come home from work every night to his loving wife and children, the smiling faces of my children to keep me going throughout the days. I know our family wont be perfect, no family is, but thats what makes it all worth it.

I want to be a doctor, a pediatric oncologist. I want to help people, save lives, given a child one more day of life that they otherwise might not have had.

I want that sense of completion...when I reach the age where I look back on my life I want to be able to look back at it and smile. I want to be able to say I did everything in my life that I wanted and I regret nothing.


DAY 6 - A STRANGER

Dear Stranger Girl,

Dear stranger girl. When I passed you today you were crying...and I told you I didn't know what was wrong but things always happen for a reason and it would be alright.
I meant what I said. Trust me, I know. I've been knocked down countless times, you've just got to get back up and keep pushing on. Life is only what you make of it, if you give up on it, only then will you live with regrets. So smile stranger girl, life may be hard today but everyday is a new day and things will change if you let them

Good luck to you,
Crystal





DAY 7 - AN EX

Dear Stanley,
I know we've had our arguments and our differences, and having a child together made our break up that much more complicated, but out life together wasn't all bad and Ill never forget all the wonderful days we had. I'm glad we're getting along now and I'm glad were still friends. Its not only whats best for Chloe but its a good thing for us as well. I believe that everything happens for a reason, we happened for a reason and so did our separation. Don't give up on finding true love, it will happen.
 Love, 
Crystal 

School!!!!!!!!

So my first term of classes is over. I finished Current Events and Intro to Computers. I know I got a 100 on my computers exam which makes me extremely proud. Now I have two glorious weeks off before I go back.

Next term Im taking  Logics from 8-9:50am and Medical Terminology 1 from 10-11:50am.....Im trying to figure out why they are throwing me into the depths of hell twice...at 8am...in one term...but I keep reminding myself that its only for 6 weeks.

November 15-Dec22 I have Effective Communication from 8-9:50, Personal Development 10-11:50, and Medical Terminology 2 12-1:50...at least I only face hell once and by then Ive had my morning coffee...

Yup so thats school until december...oh joy

Sunday, September 19, 2010

Day Two, Three, and Four

Im falling behind already, go figure. Ok here goes.

Day Two - Your Crush

Brandon Dickson

Dearest,

Well clearly you are much more than a crush. This past year has been one of good times and bad, but we've faced it all and here we are, still standing. We've had our hard times, our arguments, even times when it seemed like everything was really going to fall apart. But we made it. "Never go to bed angry" That's what we always say, and we always stick to it. I cant say this journey of ours has been easy, because its probably been on of the hardest I've ever been through, but its been worth it and it will always be worth it and I can only hope there are many, many more years to come. Your my one and only.

Love forever.

Crystal


DAY THREE - My Parents

Micheal and Barbara Johnson, and Lynn Shockey

So I know I seem to mess up (alot) and there have been countless times where you've probably been tempted to lock me in a closet (or military school) until I straightened up, but you guys did a good job with me I promise.

Momma, I know that sometimes it seems I'm making the same mistakes you did, but this past year I learned something about that. Sure it seems like they were mistakes, especially considering where I've ended up with some of them, but really they werent. Its part of life, everything I do has shaped who I am and who Im going to become. Sure they probably werent the best choices I could have made, but in the end it will all work out, it always does.

Daddy and Mum, I know you guys worry alot, I know I give you guys plenty of reason too, but if things weren't ok trust me I would tell you. Im making life happen, its just going a bit slower than I had hoped.

The three of you have done a wonderful job at raising me and I am grateful for all you have done. Your all amazing parents and Im proud to call you mine.

DAY FOUR - Your Siblings

Danni, Mikey, and Matthew

Danni,
My favorite sister, well my only blood sister but still my favorite. Your turning into a wonderful young woman, I remember the days where we would do nothing but play barbies and ride bikes all day long. We had our typical sibling arguments, but at the end of the day you were always my best friend. We told one another everything. I remember Mum and Dad used to yell at us because even after lights out we would still be up talking and playing. Remember our singing group? And the song we sang? Its memories like that I cherish forever. I know right now your going through alot with your heart as well as typical 16 year old girl issues, and I worry about you night and day, but I know your a strong young woman and you'll be ok. I made you Chloe's godmother because there's no one in this world better than you. I know as she gets older shes going to look up to you and be so proud of her aunt Danni, just like Im proud of you. Keep following your dreams beautiful, your going to make them all come true.

Mikey,
My older brother, my protector, my friend. We argued...alot....you always hated when I made friends with your friends, and when I dated them LOL. But you were always there for me, and I knew alot of the reason you did most of the things you did for Danni and I were to keep us safe. Back then I would get so mad at you for it, but now I am thankful. 
You and Katie are making such wonderful lives for yourself. I'm so proud to tell everyone about my big brother and the things he's doing with his life. I know we dont see one another nearly as much as I'd like because we live so far apart, but I think of you all the time. Your the greatest big brother anyone could ever have, I hope you know that.

Matthew,
You and I butt heads quite alot, we cant seem to go a day without arguing sometimes. But even through all of that, I still love you more than life itself. Its so hard to believe your 12 now, I remember the day you were born, and all the years after. Though you can be a pain sometimes, I know your just being a kid. Your an awesome little kid at that...I dont think many little brothers would put up with their sisters using them as lifesize dress up toys....though you probably wanted to kill me for that more than once. You are an amazingly caring kid too. The whole time I was pregnant and while I still lived there when Chloe was born you and your friends would always help me with whatever I needed. Though we get on each others nerves alot, we have a special bond that not many brothers and sisters have, and Im so glad to have that. I know theres alot of things going on that are hurting you right now, like not seeing your dad and not getting to talk to him alot, and I know its different than what I went through, but I know how you feel and it does get better, I promise. Just remember, Mom is always there, and she loves you a ton, even though your dad isnt around as much as you would like him to be, she will always be there and so will I. Love you bunches!

Whenever I tell people about the three of you, they always tell me Im lucky to have such great brothers and sisters and I definitely agree. You three are amazing and I couldnt think of anyone better to call my family.

Love always,
Me

Thursday, September 16, 2010

Day One

My Best Friend:

Kimberley Rebecca Vannoy

Kimmy Love,
Its scary to think its been almost a year since we met. Its amazing to realize that you have become one of my very best friends during that time.  You're there for me even during the worst times. No matter what time of day you always have time to listen. You do some crazy stuff for me (like texting random people when we dont even know their names) without even asking for an explanation. We dont see one another as often as I'd like, which sucks considering its literally a 10 minute walk or a 3 minute drive from your house to mine. But even though I dont get to see you that much your still my best. I know you've has a rough year but when things seem at their worst remember it can only go up. Love ya tons sis.

Brandon Dickson

Lovely,
After reading this whole challenge I know many of my letters are going to involve you in some way, so to keep from spilling out everything at once, Ill try to stick to the topic at hand. Today is my best friend. You are my best friend, my very best, your my friend, my hero, the love of my life, you are everything. Your the only person who drove out to me at almost 11 at night in the middle of a blizzard, 15 miles out of town, because my car was in a ditch. When I got my car stuck a second time, I woke you up with my six month old baby wrapped in my arms, wearing just a sweatshirt because I wrapped my coat around her, and you let us into your house. While we warmed up you pulled my car out of the place it was stuck, battled it up the drive, and let us stay there. You bought formula for Chloe because I didnt bring enough, made me dinner, and never said a word about the inconvenience. Since then you've been amazing. You dealt with me practically moving in after march when money was tight and I didnt always have the gas to get home, you moved in with me in May, and when I lost my job you supported both Chloe and I. And the only thing you ever wanted in return was my heart. Its been a crazy year for us, we've had our unforgettable moments, and we've had our fights. Theres been times when I've been so mad at you I thought of leaving, and Im sure theres been times when you felt the same. But we worked through all of that, and something amazing has happened. So heres my letter to you, my thank you for all the times youve been there when you didnt have too, for being the father figure to Chloe that you never had to be, and for just being an amazing person. Love you always.  

Thirty Day Challenge

I got this challenge from a friends blog and I figured I would give it a shot. So this is the 30 day blog challenge:

Each day write a letter to:
  • Day 1 — Your Best Friend
  • Day 2 — Your Crush
  • Day 3 — Your parents
  • Day 4 — Your sibling (or closest relative)
  • Day 5 — Your dreams
  • Day 6 — A stranger
  • Day 7 — Your Ex-boyfriend/girlfriend/love/crush
  • Day 8 — Your favorite internet friend
  • Day 9 — Someone you wish you could meet
  • Day 10 — Someone you don’t talk to as much as you’d like to
  • Day 11 — A Deceased person you wish you could talk to
  • Day 12 — The person you hate most/caused you a lot of pain
  • Day 13 — Someone you wish could forgive you
  • Day 14 — Someone you’ve drifted away from
  • Day 15 — The person you miss the most
  • Day 16 — Someone that’s not in your state/country
  • Day 17 — Someone from your childhood
  • Day 18 — The person that you wish you could be
  • Day 19 — Someone that pesters your mind—good or bad
  • Day 20 — The one that broke your heart the hardest
  • Day 21 — Someone you judged by their first impression
  • Day 22 — Someone you want to give a second chance to
  • Day 23 — The last person you kissed
  • Day 24 — The person that gave you your favorite memory
  • Day 25 — The person you know that is going through the worst of times
  • Day 26 — The last person you made a pinky promise to
  • Day 27 — The friendliest person you knew for only one day
  • Day 28 — Someone that changed your life
  • Day 29 — The person that you want tell everything to, but too afraid to
  • Day 30 — Your reflection in the mirror

Friday, September 10, 2010

Hoodies, Bonfires, and Football...thats right....

FALL IS HERE!!!!!!!!!

Well it isn't quite the end of September, but since when has Mother Nature waited for people to tell her when to change seasons.

Last night I decided I wanted to fire up the grill. I opened the door and immediately realized I needed my hoodie, and, after obtaining said hoodie, I stepped out onto the balcony and I simply stopped and smelled the air.

Fall has a rather unique scent if you ask me. Oddly enough you can really smell the leaves, Brandon keeps saying its mold, I usually tell him to shut up and stop ruining my moment lol. And bonfires, someone always seems to have a fire going in the fall. Fall smells so...good! If I could trap a scent in a jar that would be it. So there I was last night, my trusty charcoal grill cooking away, someone had a bonfire going, and the smell of the leaves...all three of those combined created one of those moments I'll never forget.

Theres always excitement in the air during fall, its football season of course. Aside from the Mountaineers and the Cowboys, I dont really watch much football, but I get just as excited as others. Great time with friends, watching a great game, friendly banter over favorite teams. Good food, good drinks...its a great time of year.

Once upon a time Corey told me something, one of those things you cant help but sit and think about. His favorite season was spring. I remember exactly what we were doing, exactly where we were, and exactly what he said.

As usual it was a day we randomly decided to drive somewhere, so I put on my jacket, hopped in his car, and off we went. Driving down franklin pike near the church, theres this one area that gets so pretty when the leaves are just starting to come out on the trees.  We drove through that spot in silent awe and then we pulled into the church parking lot. He stopped the car and he just looked at me, and yet again he spoke with the wisdom beyond that of any eighteen year old boy. He looked at me and said "You know, people who live a full life will only see an average of 70 springs? It seems so long as we live, but so short when you put it in a number. Nobody really appreciates the change, its another motion of life for them. They dont notice the leaves starting to come back, flowers starting to bloom, baby animals being born. They dont realize its getting warmer. Until one day they wake up and then, to them, its like it happened over night. They missed out on the true beauty of watching it happen."

I looked around that day and saw everything in new light. And when I got home, I walked to the field behind my house and there were calves running around. Everyday more and more seemed to be coming around. I began to not need my winter coat and I was able to wear my jacket, then my hoodie, then just a t-shirt. I watched the flowers come up, then bud, then bloom. And I realized what he was talking about. Corey knew he would never have a long "average" life...where most people could celebrate 50-70 springs, he only celebrated 22, and he knew that would be the case. He didn't have time to take advantage of nature in its most precious state. And he made me realize that life is short, and God gives us such beautiful things that we hardly seem to notice.

I still notice the spring, and the winter, and the summer...I pay attention to the finer details of everything, but like the way Corey watched his favorite season, he taught me how to watch mine.

So your challenge from me, for the memory of a boy with wisdom beyond his years, watch the beauty of the change, appreciate it, don't take advantage of it, you never know it may be the last time you ever see the change.

Tuesday, September 7, 2010

That island never looked so good....

A friend of mine, who's taught me most of my life lessons, told me to never be fooled by my heart...sometimes instinct knows best....

He'd totally kick me right now if he were here. I'm kicking myself...

The saying goes; Fool me once, shame on you, Fool me twice, shame on me....

What happens for the third time? The fourth? Am I just an idiot.

I had something I believed to be infallible....now I question every piece of it and I hate it. After so long I shouldn't have to question its meaning.

I look back at last week and I was so happy, living in a state of total euphoria...for that day at least, and then it all came crashing down. Now I'm supposed to trust people...if the one thing that held your heart together is the same thing that made you fall apart, how can you trust anyone?


I used to dream of having my own island, with no one around. An island so serene, covered in butterflies, and palm trees, and sand. With flowers and birds of every color, bright, happy things, as far as the eye can see.

I was safe once, guarded. I lived in my dreams and locked everyone out...and though I wasnt happy, I didnt hurt...I think its time I be safe again...

That island never looked so good.....

Wednesday, September 1, 2010

Then and Now...

A few years ago my best friend and my true love told me he was sick. Told me he loved me, but he loved me enough to let me go, because I didn't deserve to be a widow at 20 years old, because my children deserved to grow up with a father, and because I deserved to be happy. For a long time, I didn't even try to be happy, I didn't even pretend I was, I denied everything he told me and convinced myself I just wasn't good enough.

Eventually I did realize that he really did want to see me happy, but I still kept holding on. So I would pretend as much as possible that my life was perfect and nothing was wrong. I thought it worked, but it probably didn't.

The last time I saw him, he told me the same thing. That I needed to be happy. Then he hugged me. I halfheartedly told him I would. I didn't know that would be the very last time I saw him, the last time I talked to him.

The day he died I was still holding onto that hope, and a part of me died too. I felt like the world was crumbling around me and there was no point in going on.

That was exactly one year and one month ago.

For the past year I've been walking around with a fake smile, telling the world I was ok, but waking up in tears with dreams about him at night. I didn't care about keeping my promise.

But today....today I woke up with a smile inside. Today I went outside and the sky was smiling back. Today I closed my eyes and I said it...I said it and I meant it. Today I said, finally Corey, I am happy. Thank you.

This past year has been one of obstacles and trials. Its been one of tears and pain. But sitting here today and looking back, its also been one of beauty...of new life and new beginnings. It's been a time for turning the page, starting again...and today I sit here...sick with bronchitis, taking care of my sick baby with bronchitis, cleaning the mess I've ignored for the past week, and awaiting the return of the person that I fell more in love with than I ever thought possible...and I'm smiling...because even though were stressed...even though money is tight, the baby is fussy, were all sick, and the house is a mess. We have each other. Were a family...a little twisted to the outside world, but to me, were perfect.

My life is beautiful. Today my daughter crawled on both knees...which was a great feat. She was supposed to start physical therapy Monday, they thought her leg muscles weren't developing correctly, and today she proved that she just might not need that. Today she learned to tell me where her nose was, she learned three new words, and she can point out 2 of the letters in the alphabet.

Today I awoke next to my best friend, and I smiled as he slept soundly beside me. I've awoke to see him beside me every day for months, and I never appreciated the simple beauty of it. This morning I realized just how wonderful that small moment is. This morning I realized, this man is the last person I see before I close my eyes, and the first one I see when I open them...and it makes me feel so wonderful, so special, so loved, that its me he chooses to spend his days with.

This morning I realized that almost a year ago, he could have been like most people and ignored me, instead he became my best friend. I realized almost 8 months ago, when I called him at 10 at night 15 miles out of town alone in a blizzard in a ditch, he could have said no...but he didn't. Looking back now, I realize that was the night I started living again...the pieces of me that died last year were brought back to life with the look in his eyes. The day I showed up at his door with my 6 month old wrapped in a snowsuit and blankets when a freak snowstorm randomly appeared, he could have closed the door. Instead he went out and fought to bring my car up the driveway because of the ice, he got us warm and even bought formula for a baby he just met because I didnt expect snow and didnt bring any and I was broke. All the times when I didnt have the money for gas to get home he didnt have to let me stay. He didnt have to move in with me, or let me use his car when mine broke down. He didnt have to travel 8 hours to pick up my mom and come home in June...he didnt have to stay awake until 6am and then go to work that day. Or do the same thing to take her home. He doesnt have to help me or my daughter at all. He never had to take on my daughter like she was his own.

But he did...my best friend, the man I love more than life itself, is a man like no other. He has done what many men wouldn't. And he does it because he loves us.

So today, I smiled, because today I realized what a truly blessed life I live. What truly wonderful people are in it. And today I was finally able to look up, close my eyes, and tell Corey...I fulfilled my promise, I really am happy, I love you, goodbye.

And I could finally say goodbye with a smile, because I know hes smiling too. Hes always going to be there, a guardian angel never leaves, hes going to be with all of us...always.

So today is the beginning...my new story, the day my eyes opened and I really saw the world for what it was, and not for what I wanted to see.

I love my life.