You...

I probably wouldn't be this way
I probably wouldn't hurt so bad
I never pictured every minute without you in it
Oh You left so fast
Sometimes I see you standing there
Sometimes it's like I'm losing touch
Sometimes I feel that I'm so lucky to have had the chance to love this much
God gave me a moment's grace
'Cause if I'd never seen your face
I probably wouldn't be this way

Last night I lay down to sleep and turned on a playlist I've tried so hard to forget about. As the music filled my ears, the memories flooded my brain and I was lost in a life I couldn't forget if I wanted too.

Little by little I began to notice differences...it wasnt long before I felt the hot prickling of teardrops beginning to form.

I still remember every day, ever conversation, every memory etched so deep into my brain and into my heart. But the details were gone. The littlest things that made it so easy to get lost in a dream, lost in us, no matter how much I tried to remember, they were gone...and I felt a piece of myself break.

It took me a year to say goodbye, it takes so much more to let go...much more than I have to give. Those details kept you alive, kept you with me. The scent of your cologne, the way your hands felt in mine, the look in your eyes whenever you thought I wasnt looking...everything that kept you with me.

And last night I had to face the realization that you really are gone. No more closing my eyes and pretending.

No amount of tears, wishes, or prayers will bring you back to me. 

Sometimes I want to go back in time. If I knew that the last time I hugged you would really be my last, maybe...maybe I would have held on tighter...told you everything I wanted too. But I didnt, I couldnt, and apparently no one has yet discovered how to turn back time...

Cystic Fibrosis sucks, losing you sucks, living life without you sucks. I still love you. Every day you still cross my mind. And I still miss you more than humanly possible.

Forever...thats what you said....people say forever is never ending....they lie...